Troubleshooting tips

Sometimes, kids have extra challenges making friends, even if you're doing everything right as a parent.

All children are capable of having friends, although high self-esteem really helps them succeed, says Kathy Noll. Noll is the author of Taking the Bully by the Horns, which offers help to both bullies and their victims.

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Sometimes, kids have extra challenges making friends, even if you're doing everything right as a parent.

All children are capable of having friends, although high self-esteem really helps them succeed, says Kathy Noll. Noll is the author of Taking the Bully by the Horns, which offers help to both bullies and their victims.

How can you tell whether your child may be having trouble making friends? Noll lists several warning signs to watch for: depression, reluctance to go to school, difficulty concentrating, poor grades, doesn't bring other kids home to play, seems to get along better with adults.

To help your child make friends, you need to show that you care and can be trusted. Focus on the positive, Noll says. Instead of pointing out what is causing your child's failure, talk about what he can do to succeed.

Noll points out that the odds of success improve with better basic social skills. The advice to "hold your head high" isn't just figurative in this case. Your child could look like an easy target if she walks with her head and shoulders down, speaks meekly, or doesn't make eye contact.

You can enlist your child's teacher as an ally. If your child isn't finding friends right away, the teacher can give advice about suitable playmates. You can work with other parents to set up play dates for your kids. You might even set up really fun regular outings. One suggestion I came across was "Wednesday afternoon at the park," with open invitations to everyone in your child's class.

Throughout all of this, talking with your child is crucial. If he tells you he's fearful about a new situation because he won't know anyone, remind him of times he's triumphed in similar situations. If your daughter comes home from Valentine's Day at school crushed because she didn't get any cards, talk to her about those feelings. Don't dismiss them; the hurt is very real. Talk about possible reasons why she didn't get valentines. Maybe her friends didn't make them. Maybe they didn't have enough for everyone, or maybe they forgot to bring them.

Experiences like this do happen to kids, and they're very painful blows to a child's self-esteem and confidence. But with the right help and love from a parent, they can build strength.
The time you spend on this is an investment in your child's well-being. "Some may be more open to it than others, depending on their perceptions of themselves and the world, and also the influence of their caretakers," Noll says.

"But all children are capable of--and deserving of--love and friendship."